Parenting is…

My mom used to say that difficult relationships are often more enticing to the people involved. Spouses may quarrel and fight their whole lives, but can’t split up. Mothers often find that their difficult children are the most special to them. She said, when everything is smooth, you just don’t give it as much, and it’s easier to leave behind.

I’ve always disliked the thought. Over the last few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship with my husband. What do I need, what am I missing, how are things going? Finally I pieced it all together.

Boy meets girl. They do absolutely everything their little imaginations are capable of to impress the new partner. They are caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and when the dust settles, well, they still love each other, they’ve got three kids… and they are strangers. Perhaps it’s not about the kids. (Plenty of people don’t need those to drift apart) and not about hobbies or busy jobs or different priorities.

How about straight-forward creative effort? When you put effort into something, you experience pride in success, disappointment in failure and you “fall in love” with the project. People working 80 hours per week are often the ones who love their jobs. Parents, whose kids are the center of their lives, are willing to sacrifice almost anything to see them succeed. Your sense of self becomes wrapped up in what you do. It’s normal and natural and how we are most productive.

People say that when you love what you do, you’ll do a better job. True - but I am going to say it backwards. When you put forth effort, give something all you’ve got (particularly thought and creativity), you strengthen your love. When the effort is no longer required, and you settle into a “comfortable routine”, you weaken the bond. Worse, if you feel you are entitled for the relationship to make you happy and are sitting and waiting for that to happen, you will become sorely disappointed. I learned that from a man who said, “Most people believe that their relationship should make them happy. Instead, you have to bring happiness into a relationship.”

Now, back to three kids. Women often complain about lack of romance and “you never take me anywhere nice.” Though I am not one of them, I began to get the sense that things were floating by with all the passion given to the baby, none left for us. Then I figured out that I was giving all my passionate effort and creativity to this new project - and did not consider continuing to improve the relationship that ultimately matters most.

The rest is just practical applications of the idea. Spend some time thinking about what makes your spouse happy, proud, excited - just like you used to when you were getting to know each other. Once these thoughts are in your head, they naturally make their way into our conversation, into the plans you make for the family and into your alone time. Next thing you know - there is that glitter in his eye and suddenly, you are the one feeling special!